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> Sail barge battle, spoof!
post Nov 22 2011, 01:51 AM
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Sail barge battle

“In the Sarlacc,” C-3PO said, “You will be slowly digested for over a thousand years.”
Han put up his hand.
“Um, how’s that possible?! I’m human! I can’t live much past a hundred years!”
“Apparently, the Sarlacc’s stomach digestive juices will also make you live longer. Sort of a double-edged sword, I’m afraid.”
“Great! We’re going to be eaten by the Fountain of Youth! I’ve got a better idea: why don’t we stick a well down the thing’s gullet? We could all retire rich!”
“His jolliness Jabba the Hutt would like to offer you the opportunity to beg for your lives.”
Luke stepped forward.
“This is your last chance, Jabba,” Luke replied, “Free us, or die.”
Han fell to his knees.
“Oh pleeease don’t kill us! Pleeeeeeeease!”
Jabba laughed hardily. His court laughed with him. With all the rucus, nobody noticed Leia sneak behind Jabba while she gathered up her chain.
“Put him out of his misery,” Jabba commanded.
Han was led by the guard to the diving plank. Being blind, Han stumbled across it. He slipped off the edge of the plank and hung there by his fingers, howling in terror. The guard gestured that Luke was next.
Luke saluted Lando, but R2D2 took this as the signal to eject the hidden lightsaber from his dome to Luke. So the saber came soaring over and clunked the guard on the head. The guard fell down, dropping his spear. The saber ignited and landed in Han’s free hand as he hung on for dear life. Han didn’t know what to do with it so he just started swinging. He hit the skiff’s rudder, cutting it in two. The skiff took a hard right turn and slammed nose-first into Jabba’s sail barge. The lights inside the barge flickered and went out, causing people inside to scream and panic. Leia took this opportunity to slip her chain over Jabba’s head to choke him. The skiff skidded across the side of the barge, causing sparks to fly everywhere, before the backend of the skiff slammed into it. The force of the impact combined with Leia’s yanking caused the bulbous Jabba to roll right off his platform, crash through the windows and fall into the pit along with half of the people riding on the skiff. Fortunately, Jabba’s fat girth plugged up the Sarlac’s mouth, choking the Sarlac to death.
Lying in the side of the pit, spitting sand out of his mouth, Han tossed the lightsaber over his shoulder.
“I’ve got no use for this thing!”
The saber hit the underside of the sail barge, striking the fuel line. The barge erupted in flames. The fire alarm went off along with the sprinkler system. People ran every which way, falling all over eachother.
Her chain having snapped from the weight of the falling Jabba, Leia led C-3PO to the deck.
Luke meanwhile wrestled on the skiff with Boba Fett for control of the spear. Fett back-up into the railing, accidentally pressing the button on the back of his jet pack. Boba flew up and then down, right into the gaping mouth of Jabba.
Han found a cable lying and the sand and climbed up onto the deck of the sail barge. He found a cannon and tried to aim it at the second skiff which he heard buzzing off to his left. Being blind, Han didn’t notice that the cannon was pointed at the deck. He also assumed the people who designed the cannon wouldn’t be so stupid as to make that possible. So when Han pressed the trigger, the cannon shot a hole through the deck. The barge, already on fire, exploded inside. The erruption from the explosion caused Han, Leia and the two droids to fall off the barge into the sand below. The barge, out of control, collided with the remaining skiff and they both crashed and burned.
Luke, piloting the remaining skiff with Lando and Chewy, picked Han, Leia and the droids out of the sand with a big magnet (placed conveniently on the bottom of the skiff). In this day of mechanical prosthetics, everybody had plenty of metal in them. In Leia’s case, the metal pins in her hair.
“What happened?!” Han asked. “I still can’t see a damned thing!”
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Bith Shuffler
post Dec 12 2011, 12:42 AM
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I like it. Well done.
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