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> Pod Race, Boonta Eves, spoof!
post Feb 11 2012, 08:54 PM
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With Phantom Menace being re-released on the big screen, I thought I'd write a little spoof from that movie.

Pod Race, Boonta Eves

“The Queen would not allow you to stake everything on this boy!” Padme said firmly to Qui-Gonn.
“The Queen trusts my judgment. You should too,” Qui-Gonn countered.
Padme frowned and crossed her arms.
“Well I don’t aprove.”
Qui-Gonn smiled and winked at her.
“What’s that? Did you just ... wink?”
Qui-Gonn rubbed his eye. “Some sand blew in my eye.”
Anakin’s mother, Shmi, paced the floor of the stadium box.
“Why are you worried?” Qui-Gonn asked her.
“He’s just a boy!” she cried.
“There’s nothing to worry about. Sure he’s sitting in a small pod made of junk strapped to two huge rocket engines shooting flames through desert, rocky terrain and narrow rocky canyons at 500 miles an hour … but he’s a tough lad!”
Shmi shuddered and shut her eyes tight.
Jabba’s gong sounded and the pods roared into action – except for Anakin’s pod which stalled, and Humpty Dumpty, who couldn’t get his pod started. Humpty pounded away at his dashboard, and suddenly his rockets broke off and flew in different directions, embedding themselves in the stands. One of the rockets even flew up and disappeared into Jabba’s huge mouth. All of Jabba’s men set out at once to Humpty’s pod, but they couldn’t put it back together again. Meanwhile Anakin slammed his head against his dashboard and his pod came to life. He soared down the track.
Sandpeople camped out in the desert took shots with their rifles with ridiculously long barrels at the pods, but missed. A few hundred yards down the track, jawas on either side shot at pods with their immobilizing guns, but they zipped by so fast, the jawas shot eachother’s guns. Even further down the track, in the dune part of the desert, a giant worm sprung out of a dune and managed to swallow a few of the pods before disappearing back into its hole.
Dirk Dasterdly, flying a black car, pulled up along-side Sebulba. A grinning dog sitting in the passenger side next to Dasterdly tossed Sebulba a wrench. Sebulba then threw the wrench into the engine of the pod following him. The pod’s engine exploded and the pod crashed to the ground. Both Dasterdly and Sebulba pinched their moustaches and snickered. On the ground, Jawas swarmed in from all directions to quickly salvage what they could from the wreck strewn across the sand. Meanwhile, the crowd shrieked and jeered as they watched Jabba and Gardolla the Hutt giving each other tongue on the enormous trackside jumbotron.
Jarr-Jarr Binks bumbled back to his seat with a hotdog, but dropped it. The dog bounced off a few heads on the way down to the track.
“Oh no!” Jarr Jarr exclaimed before running down the stairs and jumping the track wall. As Jarr Jarr bent down to pick up his hot dog, a pod came whizzing by and grazed his butt. Binks fell face-first in the dirt, crushing his hot dog. The pod meanwhile went careening out of control and smashed into the jumbotron.
Anakin got forced on to a service ramp, which caused him to fly high up into the air. He began to feel a bit light-headed. Then young Anakin looked up, and to his amazement, saw a Federation Droid Control Ship hanging high in the sky! It was still far away, but perhaps close enough to reach! Anakin steered his pod towards it. Evading the Federation’s guns, Anakin flew his pod right into the docking bay. After he came to a stop on the polished floor, battle droids began surrounding Anakin’s pod. Anakin ignited his rocket, the flames from which struck the ship’s reactor, causing it to quickly catch fire and then explode.
“Oh oh!” Anakin cried. “I better get out of here!”
Anakin flew his pod out of the exploding Federation Ship while cheering. Anakin knew that back on Naboo, without the Droid Control Ship, the battledroids that Padme told him about would be falling apart. He was a hero! And it had only taken him a day and a half! Anakin saved the…!
… But then Anakin came out of his dream and saw that he was spiraling out of control. He pulled up just in time to avoid hitting the ground.
By process of elimination, eventually only Anakin and Sebulba remained. They raced towards the finish line neck and neck. The race announcer, an alien who actually had two necks, got so excited his necks got tangled calling the quick action. Suddenly, Anakin’s kickstand got tangled with Sebulba’s moustache. For a few tense moments, it seemed like they’d both crash. But Anakin managed to pull away. Anakin maintained control, but Sebulba lost it, and he went crashing to the ground. Then Sebulba said the ‘F’ word …
Anakin jumped out of his pod with the crowd roaring. The roar of the crowd was almost as loud as the roar of Jabba’s snoring, which finally ceased when one of his staff tapped on his bulbous arm to wake him up. Shmi bent over and kissed Anakin on one of his cheaks.
“I’m so proud of you Anakin,” Shmi cried, her lips and nose blackened from Anakin’s soot- and dust-covered face.
"Out-of-closeter!" A word!", growled a livid Quatto at Qui-Gonn.
"Why does he call you that?" Padme whispered.
Qui-Gonn shrugged. "Perhaps he thinks because Jedi can't marry that we're all gay?"
"You can't have the boy! It wasn't a fair bet!"
"Perhaps you'd like to discuss it with the Hutts?" Qui-Gonn retorted slyly.
Quatto looked up at Jabba's box. He was having Sebulba collared with a chain.
Quatto shuddered and sighed.
"Take him!"
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