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> Empire arrives on Hoth, spoof!
paul73
post Apr 14 2012, 09:41 PM
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The Empire arrives on Hoth

“Lord Vader," reported an imperial officer, "A remote probe found what may be the hidden rebel base."
They looked at the screen. It showed a bunch of snowmen in the shape of Vader with their heads chopped off.
“That’s it,” Vader declared.
“My lord,” the Admiral interjected, “there are so many uncharted settlements--”
Vader held up his hand to silence him.
“--I have a bad feeling about it. Admiral, set your course for the Hoth system.”
A moment later, the officer turned to Vader. “We’ve arrived out of light speed, My Lord.”
“The Admiral came out of hyperspace too close to the planet," Vader snapped. "The rebels are alerted to our presence!"
“He thought surprise was wisest--”
“--He is as clumsy as he is stupid! We are too close to the planet!”
The star destroyer sat nose-down in the snow, a few miles from the Rebel base.
“Prepare your men for a ground attack.”
The four-legged ATATs jumped one at a time out of the star destroyer into the snow. One of them lifted its hind leg and spurted oil on a mountain of ice, while another rolled in the snow, got up and shook. Then giant iron men resembling battle droids jumped out of the star destroyer, put collars on the ATATs and held them with leashes. The ATATs put their mechanical noses to the ground and the Walkers started walking their ATATs towards the Rebel base.

“Imperial Walkers approaching from the south,” came the announcement across the Rebel Base PA system.
“Better begin the evacuation," the Rebel General commanded. "Prepare for ground assault." He wrenched his icy coffee cup from the desk. He tried to take a sip, but the coffee was frozen solid.

Meanwhile, Han entered the hospital and spotted Luke sitting on one of the beds.
“Luke! You look strong enough to pull the ears off a gondar!”
“Already did,” Luke said, wrapping a fleshy blanket around himself. In the background, a gondar janitor without ears skulked around, kicking trash cans, mouthing curses.
“I gotta take off,” Han said, “pay my debt to Jabba. Gotta look after myself too!”
“Yeah, well I guess that’s what you’re best at,” Luke snarled.
“Didn't you say that in the last movie?”
“Well it’s still true.”
“Yeah, well, the bounty hunter we ran into on Old-Man-Hill changed my mind. He tried to beat in my brains with a cane!”
“Han, we need you here!” Princess Leia said, entering the room.
Han turned to Luke, grinning, while sneaking his arm around the Princess.
“In the south ridge, Leia expressed her true feelings for me!”
Leia shook off Han’s arm.
“Why, you stuck-up, scruffy-looking, nurf-herder!”
Han straightened his T-shirt which read “Nurf-herding Rules!” and replied, “Who’s scruffy-lookin’?”
Leia just shook her head and let out a deep huff.
“Must’ve been pretty close to the mark to get her all riled-up like that, huh kid?”
“I guess you don’t know much about women,” Leia sneered, before grabbing Chewbacca by the fur and laying a kiss on his scruffy, slobbery lips. Leia wiped her mouth, just about went crossed-eyed from the taste of biscuits and Alpo, and then stormed out of the room.
“Take it easy,” Han said to Luke before marching out of the room after her.
“The first transport is away,” came the announcement across the Rebel Base PA system.

Aboard one of the star destroyers orbiting the planet, the radar operator said,
“Rebel ship approaching from the planet.”
“Good! Our first catch of the day!” the commander replied in a chipper tone.
A huge fish net came out the bottom of the destroyer.
“Fire cryin’ cannon,” the Rebel general ordered back on Hoth.
“Firing cryin’ cannon,” the gunner replied.
Two beams blasted out of Hoth and hit the star destroyers, enveloping them in energy.
“Here it comes…” the Imperial commander began to say, but started sobbing uncontrollably.
“I’d give the order to net them,” he blubbered, “but I miss my family too much!”
“I miss my girlfriend back home!” the radar operator cried.
The bridge filled with the sounds of weeping and wailing. The rebel transports zipped past the star destroyers.
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Master
post Apr 22 2012, 12:06 PM
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Frozen in Carbonite on Slave 1
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Another solid work. You need to publish a book tounge.gif


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"It is known that there are infinite number of worlds, simply because there is infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so average population of all planets in Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that population of whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely products of deranged imagination."
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy


Master was here (12.10.16)
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